Time to hit the "RESET" button.

Oh Lord, where to even start!  I was doing decently well with all of this until the end of July.  I hate to say it, but this is pretty typical of me.  I am just going to warn you ahead of time that this blog post will most likely not be uplifting or inspirational at all.  My goal for this blog was always to be real and upfront with everything.  Honestly I was reading back from the start of this blog and as of right now I am feeling like I was delusional to think that I could actually be successful with all of this.  I hate feeling like that, and I hate giving up on myself.  But yet, I do it all the time.  I struggle constantly with motivation and staying positive still.  The gym was going well for maybe 2 weeks, if that.  My healthy eating lasted for maybe a month.  I just keep going back and forth with everything.  Right now I am attempting to have my own design business so I don't have a "job" to go to per say.  This has me feeling like I should spend every minute in the gym.  While I know that it isn't logical, it enters my mind constantly.  The funny thing is, even if I attempted that I know I would find some way to stop myself by at least day 3.  I find it really irritating to know all my faults that I have with dieting, and I know the way my mind works, but I can't figure out how to change that way of thinking and turn it into something good.  Just makes me want to pull my hair and scream!!  When I first started this blog I wanted to write a couple times of week, and I seem to have failed on that goal also.  I am just completely frustrated with everything.  I really miss training with a personal trainer.  But as of right now, that is just not feasible as they are a little expensive.  At some point I would like to try kick boxing or something like that...but I am kind of a chicken and would like to find someone to do it with me.  I haven't been back to the gym for awhile now and while that is depressing, I still can't manage to change it.  I always get into a cycle of not wanting to go to the gym (or not being able to motivate myself to get there), to be depressed that I didn't go, and then not being able to snap out of it and my whole day is shot.

My food choices haven't been the greatest either lately, I won't mention what was consumed.  The worst part of "falling off the wagon" is having to retrace your steps and lose the weight all over again.  I haven't weighed myself again since the last time, but I know I am not in the same place.  I am scared to get on the scale, for a couple of reasons.
1. I will be at the same weight that I was a couple of weeks ago.  Why is that bad?  Physically it wouldn't be, but mentally it screws me up.  In my mind I think, "well if I can eat all that and still stay the same whats the harm in eating it?"  But, we all know that my weight would not stay the same eating junk constantly.
2. My weight goes up.  Well for obvious reasons I get upset/depressed/frustrated, and I tend to deal with these emotions with food and laziness. Even though most nights I fall asleep thinking about what I need to do the next day to change all of this around.  Quite the vicious cycle if you ask me. 

I am always waiting for that "moment" that everyone talks about with weight loss. You know, when they saw a picture of themselves, or heard a picture, or couldn't participate in an event and everything just clicked in there head and BAM they lost all their weight.  Well, there have been plenty of things I didn't participate in, or felt really uncomfortable doing.  I listen to speakers all the time about weight loss, and motivation.  And Lord knows I have seen countless embarrassing pictures of myself that you would think give me that "ah ha!" moment.  For instance, I saw a picture of myself the other day and I instantly thought, "wow, I really do look obese."  I know I am obese by the "numbers and charts," but when you actually SEE yourself as obese and not just the "facts" I think it sinks in a little bit more.  So I thought that it was my turning point after that, well, I was wrong.  So I guess I am still searching for that moment.

As of right now I am trying to find the thing that is going to restart me, and keep me going until I can find my next source of motivation/strength. Say a prayer :)

P.S. Sorry this post was so doom and gloom, but I can't keep silent, it will drive me crazy!  Don't be shy, what's your story?

Getting Out Of My Own Way

Well, guess what everybody?  I managed to avoid working out again.  Sure I have done a few walks and a few work out videos, but I know that's not nearly enough to do what I have to do.  I have been complaining that I don't like the gym I am at because it is too small, etc.  Anyways I have had a membership for LA Fitness from when I was in MN, but haven't been using one since the nearest gym was 20 minutes away. But it also has a pool and just a more comfortable atmosphere for me to be in.  So what I am trying to say, is that I am going to go to the gym I want to go to and get use of the membership.  I don't have a standard job right now so I have no excuses not to!  I just need to get over myself and get on it. 

I did the elliptical today mainly because I think you get the most "calories for your time."  I really would like to incorporate swimming into my cardio routine.  I have always liked it, and I know its a good workout.  I just have to figure out what kind of calories get burned doing it! I am hoping some new surroundings will bring out the fight in me at the gym so I can take over my life.